Caregiver’s Corner

In searching for articles about getting through the holidays for Family Caregivers, I ran across a couple that I think warrant posting on Involvement Online.

Sandy Nulle, Family Caregiver Support Program Coordinator

Family Caregivers: How to Avoid Holiday Traps

Holidays, meant to be a celebration of shared joy and connection with family and community, can quickly become a time of burden and a reminder of alienation and loss.

For caregivers, holidays can bring an extra measure of activities and caregiver stress. “I wish the calendar would flip directly from November to January,” said Fern, 67. “We just got settled into a routine now that Mom moved in with us, and all I see are a longer to-do list and disrupted schedules.”

Holiday celebrations can destabilize any family, and family caregivers know this better than most because people who attend to the needs of aging parents, a sick spouse or family friend already live on the edge of a delicate equilibrium. As Gary, 59, so colorfully said, “Since Dad had his stroke, my life is held together with rubber bands and bubble gum. I’m concerned that Christmas will herald its collapse.”

For self-preservation, many caregivers let go of rules about how holidays should be celebrated. “Being a caregiver for my sick wife offers many gifts,” said John, 73. “Maybe the most important is the invitation to look at our life in a new way. Almost out of necessity, I stripped down our holiday celebrations.”

Five Holiday Traps for Caregivers
There are several common holiday traps that family caregivers fall into, but they can be avoided. Just follow a simple concept: Free yourself from ideas about what should happen, and give yourself permission to celebrate holidays in a way that works for you and your family.

• Trap #1: Planning for the worst. Many caregivers think, “This could be Dad’s last Christmas, so I want to make it really special.” Wouldn’t it be great if we came into the world with an owner’s manual that included the expiration date! We do not. I have seen patients defy all medical odds and laugh about the doctor who gave them six months to live-20 years ago. Then there are the tragic untimely deaths. We should all celebrate as if this is our last holiday season!
• Trap #2: Creating Norman Rockwell scenes. The idea of a picture-perfect holiday has an emotional tug that’s particularly seductive to family caregivers who may long to return to earlier, carefree days of health and vitality.

While there is no perfect holiday celebration, you can create holiday rituals that are perfect for your family. Say at a family meeting, “Our lives are different this year, so we need to think about how our holiday celebration will be different. What are the two or three things that make the holiday special for you?” For most people, it’s the little things that make a big difference, like the Russian Tea Cakes, the special hand-embroidered tablecloth, or playing board games. Create a montage of your family’s perfect holiday.

• Trap #3: Buying your way out of guilt. For people in the sandwich generation, caring for both children and parents, the guilt that someone is getting shortchanged looms large. Who doesn’t wish for more hours in the day so that children and friends, even the person in the mirror, would get more time and attention? The life of a caregiver leaves big gaps. If you try to fill the gaps with gifts, you will undoubtedly find that it does not work very well.

All family members, including children, need to know they are loved and treasured. Gifts are one way to say this, but what most kids of all ages really want is more of you. Consider a different kind of holiday gift, like a coupon for 10 minutes of undivided attention each day, a trip to the ice cream store, or a visit to the zoo.

During a holiday dinner, how about shining a “spotlight” on each person at the table, with each guest offering a story that demonstrates why this person is special? You could write the comments on 3×5 cards and give them wrapped in ribbon or mounted in a collage.

Consider inviting your kids to give rather than receive by touching the lives of those less fortunate. Serve a meal at a shelter. Invite a lonely neighbor to your house. Look for a chance to give a stranger a $20 bill, or whatever you can afford.

• Trap #4: “Smile!” This instruction, given before every photo, captures the tone for holidays. Over and over, we’re told there’s a right way to feel during a holiday, and that’s happy. Family caregivers have a spectrum of feelings that rise to the surface during holidays, like sadness or anger or disappointment. It is sad that it’s not safe for Dad to live alone any more, so set aside some time to acknowledge those dark feelings. Suppressing the feeling does not make it any less real, and adds to your holiday burden.
• Trap #5: Party On! If you are an extrovert-someone who gets recharged from being in the presence of others-you are in your element during holidays. Party on!

For introverts who get recharged by spending time alone, or those who have limited pep because of illness, holidays can be emotionally depleting. There is still hope for a joyous holiday celebration, it just requires some advanced planning.

Plan a social calendar that’s reasonable for you as a caregiver and for your loved one. Be realistic about your energy limits before you make endless commitments, and ask family members to do the same. If either you or your loved one is an introvert, it’s perfectly reasonable to respond to some invitations with, “Thanks for the lovely offer. Unfortunately, we have other plans. I’m sure you’ll have a terrific time, and I’m sorry to miss it.” The host does not need to know that your other plans are a nap.

Your life became different when you became a family caregiver, and it’s time to do things differently. Free yourself from the idea that there’s a right way to celebrate a holiday. Look at your family and decide how to make holidays work for you, and then adjust the family expectations. That’s the recipe for celebrating the blessings in your life, and the joy and love you share with others.

From Vicki Rackner, MD, for About.com

Holiday Survival Tips for Caregivers

Providing care for someone else, regardless if it is full-time or occasionally, can really tap a person’s energy. It can create an incredible amount of stress for a caregiver and keep you from enjoying yourself during the holiday season. Your job as a caregiver is important and you should invest a few minutes for your own physical and emotional well-being.

Even though we have all read holiday stress tips before, we encourage you to read through this list we’ve compiled to find one or two that might give you a few well-deserved moments of recuperation.

• Have guests come to the home of the person you are caring for (or your home if you are providing care there). This will reduce holiday stress for you both by keeping festivities in a familiar environment and reduce the stress of traveling.
• Have a potluck meal instead of having to cook everything yourself. Family and friends will probably be excited about contributing to the holiday meal and it can really reduce your stress. Also, don’t invite everyone you know. Keeping the number of people lower will reduce the noise and help reduce the stress level.
• Think about positive things. There are any number of things at odds for your time and attention during a day. It is easy to get bogged down physically and emotionally. Take time to think about the good things in your life; a phone call from a friend, the smiles of your children or even how much you love playing with kittens. It all helps pull you up by your bootstraps and brightens your day.
• Make sure everyone knows about any limitations the person you are caring for has before they arrive. This will prepare everyone and help minimize frustration or embarrassment.
• Ask for assistance. Again, most people are happy to do something; even if it is small. Taking advantage of their generosity means only asking. You don’t have to do everything yourself.
• Let gifts contribute to caregiving. If someone asks what kind of gift to bring, suggest something practical, such as frozen foods, gift certificates or even “I owe you’s” for running errands or shopping.
• Keep it bright! Keeping your home bright with natural sunlight or sufficient lighting will boost your spirit during the gloomy days of Winter.
• Don’t fall prey to not being active. Sure, you have many things you have to get done, but do some things you love, as well. Work on a personal project you’ve been ‘meaning to get to’, go outside and enjoy the beauty of Winter, play a game with the grandkids or work a few puzzles. Whatever you do, keep your mind busy and don’t keep to yourself too much.
• Reach out to your family and friends. Nothing takes a bite out of stress like a conversation with a friend or loved one.
• Eat the right food for the right reasons. Keep your diet balanced during the holidays to improve energy and your state of mind. Stay away from too many fatty or carb-loaded foods, and take it easy on the alcohol during festivities. Let yourself enjoy the holiday table; just do it in moderation.
• Be flattered, don’t over commit. Plan on attending events or celebrations that mean the most to you.  Learn to say, “Thank you, but I can’t.” Committing to too much will increase stress levels and get you off track.
• Give the gift to yourself of ‘guilt free’. If you are providing care for a loved one you deserve a little happiness and joy during the holidays as well. No one can  begrudge you this and it is yours for the taking. Find your moments of joy. If you start feeling guilty, give yourself a some positive affirmations of how hard you work out of love and you deserve a little respite.
• Make a good holiday plan ahead of time. Contact guests, plan meals and shop way before the company arrives. This will give you more time to take short breaks during the holiday season.
• Sincere gift giving to those important to you or the one you are caring for are easy. Heartfelt thank you notes, gift certificates are perfect for just about everyone.
• Take a break. Have a friend or paid caregiver come in for an afternoon while you go out and do something nice for yourself. Have a massage, take a long walk or have coffee with a friend.
• Traditions from traditions. If there are any traditions that are hard to keep because of your situation, get creative! Figure out ways to build new traditions similar (or totally different) than your old ones. It can be a lot of fun.

Most of all, take a moment of quiet for yourself to be thankful. We all have something to be thankful for; think about the blessings you have in your life. Your grandchildren’s smiles, the hand of a friend, food on the table, a home, love … for everyone it will be different. Find that place in your heart that feels thrilled with something good and stay for a moment. (Repeat often.)

http://ageinplace.com/holiday-survival-tips-for-caregivers/